What would you do if you didn’t have to be perfect?
A few weeks ago I asked my art students, “If you didn’t have to do something perfectly, what would you do?”
What ensued was a discussion of passions never pursued oftentimes because of an embarrassment in childhood or someone telling them they hadn’t done something right. When the discussion turned to me, I thought about it for a moment and then realized that I was already fulfilling the question.
A little over two months prior I had decided to sign up for a triathlon. I had never done a triathlon before, but I was in the midst of a quarter-life crisis where I was riddled with anxieties over my own mortality and decided I needed to do something to show myself that my world doesn’t need to become smaller as I age. I wanted to challenge an irrational fear I had developed of swimming in deep lake water, I hated running so I thought it would be good to push my body, and I never biked much before so I thought it would be fun to try. I was also coming at this triathlon from an interesting perspective. All through my tween and teen years I was a very competitive athlete. First with swimming, then rugby, and later boxing. In my early twenties I turned away from competitive sport and while still partaking in a variety of physical feats (powerlifting, the pacific crest trail, running, and bouldering), I never touched competition.
Playing rugby in 2013.
So why did I turn away from competitive sport and why was I now turning to competition once again? Couldn’t I just train for a triathlon but never compete in one? This is where the perfectionism comes in.
When I was an athlete, the competitions were my least favorite part. I wished I would get into a car accident on the way to my swim competitions, that it would thunderstorm during my rugby games, and that my opponent would never show up at my boxing fights. I loathed competition since they were where all my perfectionist thoughts would come to trial. People had expectations for my performance, and I had expectations for myself. Whether it was in a pool, on the field, or in a boxing ring elevated for a hundred people to see, this is where I had to either exceed, meet, or disappoint expectations. If I wasn’t fast enough, if I missed the ball, if I took a punch to the face- each of those ‘mistakes’ would tick away at me until I felt like I had failed everyone in the room, even if I won. They hung on me like a blight, I thought it was all anyone could think of when they saw me (and sometimes it was…perfectionist thoughts don’t just erupt out of thin air). And when people commented positively I would cringe assuming they were being ‘nice’ while also realizing that I had reached a new standard that I must meet the next time I compete otherwise I will let everyone down. This pursuit of expectations precipitated a third-person view of myself. I was always thinking about if I was fitting the mold of perfection that I assumed everyone had for me. I needed to be perfect at all moments and if I wasn’t then my accomplishments were worthless. I spent so much time inhabiting other people’s minds that I completely lost a sense of my own.
As a result, I left competition behind along with all the highs of doing well but also the terribly low feelings of inadequacy. I was an adult after all, and adults have the luxury of choosing to do or not to do things like sport competitions. But, the reality is that perfectionism doesn’t just exist in sports or art. It exists in the very real challenges of work and home- the things you can’t just run away from. And meanwhile you keep turning down hobbies, sports, events, and relationships, that you deem yourself not good enough for and your world becomes smaller and smaller until you wonder what is left in life that makes it worth living.
Boxing in 2015.
Coming into my 27th year of life I have grown and learnt a lot and the greatest thing I have learnt is being kind to yourself. I try to teach this in my art classes because I really think it is the most valuable skill anyone can have. Now for some people signing up for a triathlon, especially one in competition, seems contradictory to what I just said- how can you be kind to yourself but feel a need to push yourself? Well first, I think everyone can emotionally benefit from being out of your comfort zone occasionally, but second, challenging yourself can be essential to being kind to yourself if you bring the right mentality. I approached this race as a mental challenge- here was a chance to take a leap into my own brain and push myself for me and no one else. And not only push myself but be proud of myself no matter how I perform. I wanted to flip the switch of competitions from something that induces anxiety and self-doubt to something fun.
I set out with only two goals: 1. That I had to keep moving forward (barring injury or bike malfunction), and 2. I had to stay on the bike, even if the hill was big. Those were it. They were high enough so that I still challenged myself but low enough that I would likely meet them and would feel satisfied with how I did. If I have to take a moment and swim slowly, that’s ok, if I have to go a snail’s pace up a hill, that’s ok, if I have to walk during the run- that’s ok. Previously those moments of pause or slowness would have torn me down. Walking during a running race? I would have just thrown the whole thing out because I didn’t do it perfectly. But with this new mentality I realized- this is my life, why should I let anyone’s expectations decide how I think or what I do?
So on Saturday morning I set out in southern Maine and completed my first triathlon. And I had fun! I cheered on my fellow athletes, I said hello to the farm animals I passed during my bike ride, I briefly paused to look at the largest praying mantis I had ever seen during my run, and finished off the race with a smile on my face and a delicious brunch awaiting me. And I did this race feeling fully autonomous, only inhabiting my own brain and one that is kind to and proud of it’s user.
In art, and sport, and really all of life in general, there is no sense in being a perfectionist. Perfectionism is rooted in expectations and those are things you only really care about if you spend time living in other people’s brains. It is easy to hide behind it and say you are just trying to do a good job- I know plenty of people that use ‘perfectionist’ as their negative quality during interviews, implying that someone who seeks perfection can be obsessively meticulous but ultimately exceeds expectations. They never mention how a perfectionist falls apart when an inevitable mistake happens or turns away from new challenges from fear of failure. Pursuing perfection will always leave you coming up short especially when others’ expectations can change with the wind. You can only control how you think so live in your own brain, make sure its kind, and pursue whatever you want imperfectly!
P.S. I would add to this that being kind to yourself includes not chastising yourself if you do think about meeting other people’s expectations. Building a healthy brain is not linear and that is ok. You might slip back into self-doubt, you might think about how others perceive you, your art, your athletic performance etc. and that is ok. Just imagine giving your mind a little pat on the head and warm heating pad and say, its ok to not feel good sometimes and that doesn’t make you a rotten person.
Some tips that have helped me battle perfectionism:
1. Journaling: Journaling helps you be conscious of what you think and how you think. To start with journaling, I would recommend a stream of consciousness task- try to fill up two whole pages of your journal every day. It can be about anything- what you did that day, something that you are frustrated with, a review of a movie you just watched, just fill the pages. At some point you will start digging into your psyche, I’m sure of it. When you can take a step back and wonder why you think a certain way then you can catch yourself the next time you think a negative thought. After practicing catching thoughts then you can replace them with new ones. For example, you might think, “Wow I did a really bad job with this painting, I am an awful artist.” But you correct it to, “Wow I am not that happy with this painting, but I can’t expect to make something great every time and creating bad art is part of the learning process.” The more you practice replacing these thoughts they will become automatic until a kinder and more adaptive brain flourishes.
2. Think about your inner critic: Who is the person in your head that is judging whatever task you are doing? A teacher from your past? Your parents? A friend? Think of a box with a lid that locks and imagine putting that person in the box and locking it closed until you are done your task. Do this anytime that critic is nagging- tell them you can’t come to the door right now and you will deal with them later (like in your journal).
3. Being proud: Before you go to bed each night think of three things you did that day you are proud of. For a very self-critical person this may be a difficult task, but I promise you that everyone has done three things to be proud of each day. It can be taking care of a household task that helps you feel at peace, it could be that you talked to a friend, or that you took a shower. Overtime if you keep doing this task it will become easier, and you will become kinder to yourself.